Celebrations

Chris and I decided it was time to grow up. So...we bought a condo. I think we are making pretty good lemonade out of the lemons we've been given, and we are excited about owning our own home. We get to decorate and paint the way we want it. I can actually grow plants on my balcony! Now that is exciting!

But, it has also been really hard. This should be a time of excitement and celebration. It should be fun and creative. But, the reality is it's not, not right now at least. Chris and I were talking about how I am having a hard time of being excited lately. And he said something that resonated with me. He said, "I don't know if you'll ever be able to celebrate with me the same again. Because there is a void. It will always be bitter-sweet for you. I don't know what you're going through."

There is so much truth to that statement. I don't know if I'll be able to celebrate the way I used to again. I'm not saying that I can't be happy or that I can't be excited. I can. It's just different. It's bitter-sweet. Sweet, because this is a joyous time. One that brings about the excitement of change. And bitter, because my mom is not here to celebrate it with me. She would be the one to stay up all hours of the night painting with me, so we could move in. She would help me be indecisive about which 2 lamps to choose out of the 6.

It seems the times that I really need her, are the times I feel the sting of loss the most.